As a society we need to be careful about abusing the name Gary. There is only so much that they, the Garys, will take before rising up against the rest of us. Sure, we can all agree it is a funny name. We laughed watching Ace and Gary and all the Garys out there winced. (Although many Lances breathed a sigh of relief as a torch was passed.) We laughed still as all those Garys were further mocked on The Simpsons when God’s own innocent unicorn, named Gary, was killed needlessly. A fictitious Jesse Jackson confused his friend Gary with the Taliban on the phone because apparently Garys sound like “Agga gaga”. Even the Brits are in on the act, with the original The Office naming their idiot character Gareth, a Welsh variant of Gary.
So, over time it became the go-to name for easy laughs. When a character is to be a buffoon or ridiculous, they go with Gary. (And all that crime in Gary, Indiana isn’t helping anyone.) Since the 1950s height of Gary Cooper’s fame, there has been a “Gary Genocide” of new babies with that godforsaken name.
Now it’s time for the rest of us to be worried. It was a hilarious joke that we coulnd’t let die. There a lot of Garys out there, and sure, they seem nice and harmless, but inside they’re pissed. (Not unlike the Gary on South Park’s All About Mormons.) Did you know the name Gary means “spear thrower”? Yeah, it does. Gary Oldham has been quite for a while. Don’t think he could lead the uprising? Well, watch out, that bastard could look like anyone of us.